The Future of Sport As We Know It!

PUSHSTARTER - PONGIf I’d have told you, say ten years ago in 1962, that, by now, we’d have the 8-Track Cartridge, Sta-Prest trousers, synthetic turf, the… you know… the… the contraceptive pill… (snigger…)

…ahem… and that, by now, we’d have put a man, not only on the Moon, but on Cestus III, a planet in the Beta Quadrant near the border of the United Federation of Planets where Captain Kirk would fight a giant alien reptile… and win.. you’d have said I was crazy.

Then how can it be, given how far we’ve come and with all we know, that the human race is still doing things like this…?

sport montage

Barbaric practices like these have survived centuries and are still going on in high schools, universities and “sports” “stadiums” the world over.

Mankind will always have the need for competition; for men and… you know…  girs… (snigger)… to test themselves against each other; I mean look at 3-Dimensional chess as played by Spock or The Kobayashi Maru, a Starfleet training exercise designed to test the character of cadets in the command track at Starfleet Academy.

But for crying out loud people, sport has to move on. What are we? Savages? Does sport really have to look like this

track-star-down

When it could look like this

happy-gaming

Coding a unique algorithm all of mine own, I, Alan Alcorn, have synthesised the best and most exciting elements of all World sports and, by eliminating the fatigue, the smells, the shouting, the hair, the unnecessary physique and good looks and girlfriends and having your shorts pulled down suddenly by Chad Reilly and everyone laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing… ahem… whilst keeping all the thrills and spills that make sport so sporty, I have consigned to history ugly scenes like this…

american-football

…and replaced them with, well, the future

p-4-2

…the clean lines and futuristic layout that say, “How’s this for a level playing field, Chad Reilly? Huh? I am going to crush you, Chad Reilly. Now maybe it’s you who’s got a note from your parents so you don’t have to do sports. Come on. What’s wrong? Fingers too muscle-bound to use the joystick,,,? Huh? Huh? Thought so, Chad Reilly; not so Chad Reilly now, are we, Chad Reilly…?”

…Ahem. Sorry.

Nobody likes sport. Sport is tiring and hard to understand. Who among us hasn’t looked in blank incomprehension at scenes like this…

cricket

…and thought, “What’s going on? How can I tell who’s on which side? Who’s winning? I can’t tell what a single one of those guys is doing. Have they started?”

Imagine how much more exciting a game one would be that could go from this…

pong-0-1

to this…

pong-3-2

…in the blink of an eye.

I confidently predict that this game will make all other sports quite simply obsolete. After all, name another sport you can play at home in the comfort of your bedroom or, in fact any other room in the house… though most likely your bedroom; a sport that doesn’t need a special playing surface, a stadium, a crowd or even anyone else to play it with, if you’re ambidextrous.

And hey, Mister Running Back, Mister Boxing Champ, Mister Tennis Star, can you eat a whole meal while doing your sport? Thought not. Mmmmm, great Pizza… suckers!

I predict that, by the year 1992, the Olympic Games will comprise entirely of this sport, which I’m provisionally calling…

PUSHSTARTER - Impact Power Collision '72

Competitors from all over the world will be able to take part without the inconvenience of ever meeting. Indeed, they’ll never have to leave the comfort of their own countries.
Or homes.
Or Pyjamas.
They can simply play a game and mail the result to the International Olympic Committee in Europe or wherever. They can even get their medal mailed to them if they send in a stamped addressed envelope. No more exhausting stepping-up onto medal rostra.

Why does winning have to look like this…?

winning-line

When it could look like this…?

pong-win-lose

I know what you’re thinking: “This game looks like something from the 21st Century; something played by the crew of the Starship Enterprise, during R & R, between trips to the surfaces of alien planets” Well then, you’ll be astounded when I tell you that I confidently predict everyone will be playing what I call “Computer Games”™ (though perhaps not as sophisticated as this one!!) by as early as 2025.

Impressive, futuristic and other-worldly though the “computer graphics”, as I call them, look, the real excitement lies in the heart-pounding, blood-pumping excitement of playing the game itself. And that’s where you come in.

We’re developing the rules of the sport as we speak. We’re having to research all sports. Or even just one sport. Any sport at all. We’re not sporty.

Once we develop a set of rules, I strongly believe we’ll have come up with possibly the best sport ever.

Please help me develop and market this game so that playing sport at the highest level is not just something people who are good at sport do.

Together, let’s take sport back from the sporty!