To whom it may concern,
Mr. Alexander Graham Bell esq. humbly entreats you to contribute fiscally to the development of his latest and most remarkable invention, the Transmitter of Epistles and Letters to Eminent Persons Hastily and Of Direct Expedition – the TELEPHODE™.
Committing one’s thoughts to paper or cardboard and entrusting them to the tender mercies of a servant, the post office, a pigeon or an empty bottle and body of water is a most time-consuming and unreliable endeavour. Imagine what possibilities might transpire were it possible to transmit your thoughts to a friend, colleague or lover at a not inconsiderable remove… instantaneously!
Allow me to describe this process, now rendered, to all extents and purposes, effortless, employing the Telephode™
Imagine that you wish to communicate the missive:
“Hello mate. You still on for a beer tonight? See you later. Bring your wallet. Laugh Out Loud.”
An ale? This same night? But your friend lives over six miles away. Were he to receive this entreaty before sundown, his reply and subsequent journey to the hostelry will not be accomplished this day. Unless…
Imagine you were to write down the above message as you would normally, but that you were then able to give it to one of many unemployed actors, whose services you have acquired for the purpose, who would then declaim the message mellifluously into a transmitting microphonic mouthpiece possessed of the telephode.™
In this very moment, the message would be converted into an electronic signal which would travel along wires to a person at some distant remove, who, in turn, might listen to it through the agency of a receiving earpiece – without fear of electrocution to the ear.
Ensuring that this individual had the calligraphic acumen of a draughtsman or book-keeper, the message would then be written down and presented post-haste to its intended recipient.
This technique of transmitting text over great distances, I call texting™
A set of abbreviations may be used to replace certain original words, by way of expediting further the rapidity of the communication. Instruct your draughtsman to set out these words and expressions thus and for your orator to articulate them precisely as set out…
|Expression as spoken in the conventional mode||The same expression as articulated using Alexander Graham Bell’s abbreviated “texting”™ method.|
|“Mate”||m8 – pronunciation, “Emm Eight.”|
|“You”||U – pronunciation, “Ewe.”|
|“Tonight”||2night – pronunciation, “Two Night”|
|“Later”||l8r – pronunciation, “El Eight Err.”|
|“I have derived sufficient humour from the situation described herein that I fear I may have moistened my Britches.”||pmsl – pronunciation, “Pee Emm Ess Ell”|
Mr Bell’s Text Message Dictation Apparatus™ – the telephode™ – will undoubtedly revolutionise human interaction henceforth and will, without a doubt, be the closest mankind will ever come to conversing directly with another person many leagues away as though they were in the same room.
Please help future generations to write to each other using Mr. Bell’s sound transmitting device.