Good day to you and how are you? Very nice, I do hope. My name is Smeagol, thank you very much please, and I was wondering, if I may, whether you might be able to be of assistance, charmed I’m sure, in a rather regrettable state of affairs that has arisen concerning the ownership of piece of jewellery that is very much mine, thank you very much, and is of great sentimental value, I’m sure and you’re welcome.

Myself, my friend Deagol (who I loved very much and was very good and kind please) and me had a very nice gold ring which was pretty and classically simple with a discreet inscription saying, “Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul” which, I think, is Klingon for “You Are The Wind Beneath my Wings.”

Anyway, Deagol gave it to me after he stopped breathing which was a lifestyle choice and it was mine and was nice.

I carefully left it on the ground, deliberately without knowing, in a place that I forgot and didn’t know where it was aforethought and flipping heck, gor blimey guv, I’ll go to t’ foot of our stairs if someone didn’t bloomin’ go and steal it. Right from under my eyes when I wasn’t even there and didn’t even know where there was!!

The gentleman in question is called a Mr. Bilbo Bagginses of 46, The Shire, Shireshire, Shirezealand PG12A. He and I were closely involved and a killing and eating project that sadly, he reneged on after poor myself had invested in start up costs of teeth sharpening and lip-licking. He absconded with somewhere in the region of one whole rings.

I went to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau but, sadly, they were very rude to poor myself and also put newspaper down on the waiting room chairs before they let me sit on them despite my good self being a nicely turned out Hobbit-type person as my recent photo shows if you please much obliged.

Smeagol wrote a letter to BBCTV Consumer Affairs show Watchdog on some leaves and threw them in the air but Ann Robinson didn’t reply to him even though this case was being perfect for Watchdog with the roving reporter running up the street after Bagginses with a microphone, or a axe, shouting “Mister Bagginses, you are a thief…” and Bagginses saying “No comment! No comment!” with a jacket over his head, then falling off a cliff.

The National Accident Helpline have called Smeagol’s claim a “nuisance lawsuit” which sounds hopeful, so I have decided to retains the services of a law firm, don’t mind if I do.

As a self-employed Hobbit variant working in fish-management I don’t work in a cash economy, sadly, so I need your helps to raise the moneyses to get a lawyer to keep and to look after while he kills all my enemies with laws. Please help poor Smeagol.

Ten moneyses

Smeagol will be eternally grateful. He will say you are pretty and will kiss you and feed you fish with his mouth the same way birds feed their puppies

Two moneyses

This is a really special gift. Smeagol will visit you in person – or in Hobbit. Just send a stamped addressed box big enoughs and with enoughs postage on for a slim-to-athletic-build Hobbit Variant to get inside and with enoughs fish heads for an air mail delivery or sea voyage.

A Hundred Thousand Moneyses

Ha ha ha. You have given Gollu…er… Smeagol… a hundred thousand moneyses!!! You idiot!!! Now Smeagol has all these moneyses and you don’t!!! Ha ha ha ha haha ha. You are stupid and poor and Smeagol is clever. He will crush you like a flea and buy an Aston Martin…. Ha ha ha ha… wait… what…? PayPal…? What’s that?