Hi. I’m Sadako Yamamura. I’m from Izu Ōshima. I like television – I really like television – and crawling. I hate having my hair cut. Currently, I’m a dead Japanese girl but I’d really like to get into film making. And you can help.
I’m hoping to raise the money to make a short film which I hope people will watch, alone and vulnerable or with vulnerable friends and a big box of popcorn. Vulnerable popcorn. It would be amazing if it got into some short film festivals; Sundance or Tribeca or, at a squeeze, the London Comedy Film Festival. To have it seen by a load of people at the same time would be amazing. Just to see the looks on their faces
Here’s the plot. UH OH. SPOILER ALERT!!! No, don’t worry. I won’t give too much away. This is what we in the industry call a treatment. It just gives a flavour of the project…
So, here we go.
There’s some static, a man looking down a hole, a lady combing her hair, me…!
…Now, before you all say, “OMG! Vanity project!!,” it’s just a cameo – a bit like Stan Lee in all those Marvel films. I’m not Lena Dunham; I’m a dead Japanese girl – trust me, you don’t want to see me acting!! I find it hard to keep my head up. Nothing wrong with my neck muscles – though that’s a lot of hair they have to hold up – I think I’m just lazy. Also, I tried to get Anne Hathaway to do it but her agent said no, shortly before she died.
So, on the Robert McKee screenwriting course I went on, that’s what we’d call the “set up.” We’ve established the main characters – the man, the comb and some static – now, let’s put them under a bit of pressure and see what happens. I do this with what we film makers call a montage, like in Rocky, when he’s training for the big fight he’s going to have with some meat in a fridge, which he then defeats to become champion of the world.
Okay, so there’s some writing moving about on a piece of paper, some people crawling around on a hill, a man with a cloth on his head pointing, then, obviously, an eye and a well.
Then, a week later, I come out of the screen and you die. Now I don’t mean like The Phantom Menace or Kevin and Perry Go Large. I don’t mean you watch it and you want to die. You really die.
If I had to do that “it’s blah blah crossed with blah blah,” which I hate, I suppose it’s kind of Wes Anderson meets another film director who kills you.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry; I don’t know what you’re thinking! Unless you’re thinking, “That’s quite a lot of scenes. Sounds expensive for a film that’s only about a minute long.” In which case, I do know what you’re thinking.
But don’t worry. I can make this movie pretty cheaply by just thinking it onto videotape. No cameras, microphones, nothing – maybe a little CGI ‘cause I look a bit fat in one shot. Nope, I’ll just make it with my mind. I think that’s how Judd Apatow makes his films – or, at least, why there are so many of them.
Most of the budget will go on catering, publicity, distribution, shampoo…
Publicity is important. The one downside of its audience dying is you don’t tend to get the word-of-mouth effect.
Why videotape? Well, obviously I could put it up on Youtube or Vimeo but, although I’m pretty slim, I don’t want people watching it on their phones or tablets or iPads. To really get the full effect, I need you to watch it on a screen that’s at least shoulder-width.
It’s a sad fact that, even in this day and age, film directing is dominated by alive white men; there are almost no dead Japanese girls directing movies. The closest we have is Tim Burton.
So there we have it. Please help bring my movie to life and its audience to death.