My name is Optimus Prime (seen above, relaxing with friends.) Many of you already know and revere me; Vue Cinemas, for example, and whoever invented 3D, which I believe is named after its inventor, Chuck D.

Intelligence has reached my race, the Autobots, that a Decepticon army is gathering in the outer reaches of your galaxy and an attack on Planet Earth is imminent.

 I took an oath many Earth years ago to protect your Planet from this ever-present threat and as a huge transforming robot I am ready to honour that oath.

But as a lorry – which I am also – I have failed my M.O.T. so I can’t.

My tax and insurance are invalidated and I must be kept on a driveway or in a garage. As a huge robot, I can live in a house, but it would have to be a big one like Buckingham Palace. And even then, you’d have to knock a couple of rooms together… vertically.

The M.O.T. for an operational H.G.V. vehicle is a sterner test than a mountain-top duel with Rampage or possibly Shockwave. This year, I failed on…

  • Cracked rear number plate.
  • Frayed windscreen wiper blade.
  • Driver seat-belt loose.
  • Leaking brake-fluid reservoir.

The man in the garage also stated that something called the “timing belt” needed “doing.” My pledge to protect all human life prevents me from shredding him like a radish and I offered to fight his car. But his car was just a car and didn’t take me up on the offer.

None of these jobs are major (I only have 116752 miles on the clock – which is low for a transforming alien robot – and I’ve had less than one owner) but it all adds up and the man in the garage says that if I get the work done by the end of the week I need only pay for one M.O.T. Certificate. I would so like to do a car maintenance course at evening class but my local authority doesn’t do one as I am from a planet of transforming alien robots.

Please help me with this, gang. I am a huge robot, which isn’t a real job so I don’t have any of your human money.

Also, what is “road tax?”

Pledge £5.00 or more

I will not destroy you! Mankind will continue thinking up more stupid things for cider to taste of and talking about Fleabag. Congratulations.

But £5 isn’t very much and don’t forget the “or more” part. I won’t destroy you and I will try and protect you from the Decepticons but remember, I haven’t got eyes in the back of my head.

…Except for that one time I folded out wrong. I had feet for ears and my eyes were in the back of my head.

…There was an arm or something there too.

Pledge £10.00 or more

YOU will be immortalised in a pithy quote during the heat of battle, e.g. “I swear, Megatron, upon Colin Taylor’s shirt* that I will destroy you!”

*Not shirt, obviously. I will think of something better.

Pledge £25.00 or more

A signed photograph of yourself personally not being destroyed by me.