With the great big success of Donald Trump’s no-bullpoop, Hillary-mashin’, Obama-smashin’, America-great-again-makin’ presidential campaign, I have decided that, no matter how it turns out (big win for Donald!!!), if he can do it (go Donald) then so can I.
So it is with great proudness that I announce my runningship for President of the United States of America next year, in 2017. Yay.
“Why now?” you’re probably asking. Well for starters, my popularity has never been more big. My TV show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska is still on TV – every single day!!! Where I live, it’s on the My Recordings TiVo Channel AND the Source: DVD Channel whenever I switch my TV on. The big Networks ‘aint going to like this, but I reckon those two stations are my favourites. There’s always something on that I like. There, NBC, I’ve said it. So shoot me.
Don’t shoot me. I know that getting shot is all part of being President and I’ll sure as shoe shine wear a bullet proof vest when I get inaugurated and if I go abroad. Which is a big “if”, by the way. And I‘ll make sure I have a small firearm with me every minute of every day, 27/11.
I’ve got my own TV Channel on the internet where you get to hear what I think happened in the news, not what the liberal biasts think. Why, if those biasts had their way, there’d be colored people getting beat up by the police every day. Not on my watch, mister.
And even though they don’t have people play me on Saturday Night Live any more they had me hosting the Emmys in my hilarious double-act with Amy Poehler and there was that show 30 Rock where they pretend like I’ve got a job as a lady comedy writer or something. That’s a big hit too.
But listen to me blowing my own bugle!!! All I’m saying is that there’s nothing wrong with being popular. Ronald Reagan, Arnold Sh… Schw… the Terminator, Martin Sheen, Me… they were all celebrities that took high office so I don’t see why I can’t. Again.
And I’d like your help. Gosh darn it, people like me, they really do, so I’m coming right out with it and asking y’all to help me to help them. Come on. Make me the first female lady president the World has ever seen. It’s about time we had a woman in the White House that wasn’t cleaning it.
Though I will do more than my share of the housework, believe you me.
And I promise, as God is my witness, that, if I get to be President, everyone who gave to this campaign will get back the amount they donated. Every darned cent!! Oh, what the hell… TIMES TWO!!! You can quote me on that.
Now, I won’t lie. I’m new to this whole Crowd Funding thing. How does the computer know that, when I send this internet to all of you, you’ll all be in the same place in a big crowd? Incredible!!! And how do you all know each other?
And also, if you are all in a crowd, why I can’t just send it to one of you and he’ll* just turn round and tell the others? The internet never ceases to amaze me. What incredible inventors we have here in America. If they were in England, they’d be made a Sir or a Prince or something but here in God’s country, our great inventors are so humble that we don’t even know who they are. Think about it… the motorcar, the space shuttle, electricity, Coca Cola…no one knows where they come from.
* or SHE if she’s on the computer while hubby’s at work or sleeping – get up! Lazy thing.
So what are my issues? Well, first of all… America. America. Nothing fancy. It’s plain and simple. Like me.
I want to put America first for a change. We hear a lot of talk about these other countries; France, ISIS, Great Britain – and, excuse me, but where do they get their sass, calling it “Great”? Nobody even knows where it is. In England somewhere? And what’s the United Kingdom? Is that where that pottymouth Seat of Thrones is supposed to be?
There’s all these atheists telling us that Americans are descended from Europeans but that’s plain bullcrap. If Europea’s such a great place, how come they never win any medals at the Olympics?
And here’s another thing, if we all came from Europeans, how come everyone in the Bible is called Mary and Joseph and David and Steve and nobody is called Jeane-Claude or Gunther or Fabrizio. Heck, even Jesus has a Mexican name.
I love America and I want to protect her. America’s enemies take on many forms; foreigners and religious maniacs of course, but also bears and moose and fish. That’s why the Bible says we have the right to bear arms. Guns are as much a part of American life as coffee and Seinfeld and Miss Alaska and I want to see every American own a gun. How often do we hear the news men (and ladies) say, “police shot and killed an unarmed man”? Well, maybe if he was armed, he’d have a better chance at not being killed, Mister Jon Stewart! How do you like those apples?
Another problem I’m hearing about is Race Relations. Well, it seems to me that when people of colour don’t even get on with their relations, you know there’s a problem. I’m gonna get these folk talking to each other, like in Cosby or Fresh Prince of Bel Air and not like in The Wire or Eddie Murphy: RAW. I bring people together; I hear it all the time – people who disagree about all sorts of stuff put aside their differences and agree about me.
So come on, you! Put your hand in your pocket and help me to make America a better place for my four kids, Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper, to grow up in.