Audacious Plan to End Trojan War Involving Huge Wooden Man

Pushstarter - Trojan - Huge Wooden Man

When our government made the difficult decision to commit our troops to a war against Troy nearly a decade ago, we had no idea that the stubborn fanaticism of the Trojan leadership would lead to such a protracted conflict.

While instability in the region continues, Greece simply must maintain a presence in Troy, especially since the war is between Greece and Troy.

But the call to bring our troops home is gathering momentum. The use of drones has been an unqualified failure – bees are notoriously difficult to train – and diplomatic efforts have failed due to issues of translation, the Trojan ambassador recently describing our language as “like Greek to him.”

Back in 1194 B.C (whatever C is), the promise that we would have our boys home by Christmas, was always going to be a rash one – doubly so, since nobody knows when Christmas is. Or what it is.

But fear not. I, Odysseus, have devised one last plan to bring this terrible conflict to an end.

I intend to build a giant wooden man (pictured) and leave it outside the walls of Troy as “a gift” to the Trojans, who will open the city gates and bring the huge wooden man inside. Then, under cover of darkness, a team of horses, which will have been hiding inside the large wooden man, will come out and be all disorientated and start running around like mad things kicking everyone and perhaps exploding if we can make that happen at all (might not be able to.) Actually, written down, this seems a bit stupid now. Scrub that…

Okay, I intend to build a normal-sized horse (pictured)…

Pushstarter - Trojan - Horsey Costume

…and leave it outside the walls of Troy as “a gift” to the Trojans, who will open the city gates and bring the horse inside. Now, incredible though this may seem, this won’t be a real horse. It’ll be two men inside the horse disguise conveying the illusion to the Trojans that they are, neither two men, nor two horses, but one horse.

These two men will be Persuasius the convincing, who will offer the Trojans the opportunity to surrender and negotiate a settlement of the conflict, and Smackides the quick-tempered, who has never been defeated in a figh… in fact, why don’t we just send him? Okay…

I intend to build – well, sew, probably – a normal sized horse costume (pictured)…

Pushstarter - Trojan - Normal Sized Horsey Costume
… dress someone up in it and leave it outside the walls of Troy. The Trojans will open the city gates and think, “Ooh, one of our horses must have got out.” Then, because it’ll be Smackides the quick-tempered, who has never been defeated in a fight, he’ll take off the costume and beat all kinds of sh*t out of the Trojans ‘til they beg him to stop.